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Saturday, 25 October 2014


In another weekly column published by Punch, singer and writer Etcetera
opens up on the bleaching culture amongst celebrities in the Nigerian
entertainment industry.


The Association of Bleaching Celebrities of Nigeria wishes to use this
medium to inform the public that the inexcusable attitude of some of its
members to their fans has been brought to its attention. It has also been
said that some members of this esteemed organisation have embarrassingly
refused to shake hands with their fans and in some of these cases, the
aggrieved fans are said to have been little kids. On behalf of all
celebrity bleachers, we the ABNC kindly ask for your forgiveness. You
loved us when we were black and we sincerely ask you not to love us any
less even now that we are light skinned. We also want you guys to
understand that we celebrities bleach our skin so that we can lighten up
your screens so you will never have to increase the brightness and
contrast of your TV anymore. You can ask our Nigerian movie producers why
they prefer us light skinned actors. That being said, we also want to
sound a note of warning to all celebrity bleachers. According to section
19 of our annually reviewed constitution, no bleacher operating within our
ranks has any right whatsoever to disrespect his or her fans. Such unruly
attitude should stop henceforth. Anyone culpable of this dastardly act
will be severely dealt with according to what is stated in our
constitution. We want to also use this medium to pass this vital
information to the rest of the public and it will be in the interest of
everyone to read the following very carefully.

The ABNC is the umbrella body of all celebrity bleachers and we are
responsible for every bleaching celebrity you see on TV and on the
streets. We will also like you to understand that no celebrity bleacher
will intentionally snub or refuse to shake hands with his or her fans. A
lot of these incidents have occurred as a result of stigmatisation of
bleachers by the public. Nigerian celebrity bleachers especially have been
unfairly criticised by the public for having black knuckles, white body
and black yansh. Therefore, the unwillingness of celebrity bleachers to
shake hands in public should be regarded as a silent protest over the
bizarre treatment accorded bleachers in this country. They are humans and
they deserve the rights to decide their skin or vein colours. Be it black,
blue, red or rainbow, it is their choice and the public must accept and
respect it. After all, if you are a very observant fan, you would have
noticed that all light-skinned male celebrities always wear suits or long
sleeve shirts and walk with their hands in their pockets. Walking with
your hands in your pockets is prescribed by this distinguished
organisation to all bleachers. In cases of bleaching gone wry, please note
that celebrity bleachers don't do all these because they want to be seen
as fashionably sensitive or too cool to care. They do it to avoid that
embarrassing moment when you discover that your pretty face celebrity has
the hands of a local tye and dye merchant.

We hope that henceforth, whenever you see a light skinned celebrity with
pocketed hands, you will save yourself the embarrassment and kindly let
him be. A celebrity bleacher with bad bleaching experience is like a dog
with rabies and no sane person messes with a rabies-infected dog. We
implore you non-bleachers to be more sensitive to the plights of
bleachers. To you male fans who love greeting women with a kiss on their
cheeks, please be advised to keep your damn kisses to yourself whenever
you see those light-skinned celebs who love tying scarves around their
necks. It is not fair to expose someone's multi-coloured neckline to the
whole world because you want to prove that you can greet like an arab. And
if you are a church usher who is fond of telling people to raise their
hands up during worship, better stay the hell away from any light-skinned
celebrity you see in church. Allow them to worship with their hands glued
to their sides. We swear, you don't want to see that armpit.

Our sincere appreciation also goes to all men out there dating a celebrity
bleacher, we commend your patience. You have stood by them knowing you
can't take them to the pool because of their black yansh. And when they
forced you to take them against your will to the pool, you still had to
endure the fact that they got into the swimming pool fully dressed in
their leggings, T-shirts and stockings. May you be rewarded handsomely for
your stoicism and perseverance. One quick advice though, inasmuch as you
may love your bleached spouse and want to treat her to different types of
adventure, it is paramount that you resist every pressure to take her to
the beach.

Please listen to us very carefully; you have to protect her from bleachers
allergies. They react to sea water like an ogbanje reacts to deliverance.
And if you don't want to be staring at your bleached spouse rolling and
crying in agony on the beach sand, don't let the sea water come in contact
with her skin.

Nigerians, please stop judging us by the colour of our skin. We will never
be ashamed to admit to the public that all light-skinned celebrities are
bleachers because this same bleaching has made us the most preferred in
Nollywood today. It has made our ladies more desirable and more noticeable
by Nigerian men. It has also helped some of our colleagues who were
straight up ugly become attractive. That is why our motto is, Show me a
light-skinned celebrity who doesn't bleach and I will show you a local dog
that doesn't eat shit.

Does this sound right?

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